This is What I'm Going Through

Once again I've reached my breaking point.

Here I am

again

With my life crashing down around my ears...

I hate this. Every day I have to endure hours of worry and sickness, every night I have to fight to hold back the tears and struggle to sleep. I'm sick of the constant fight to keep the tears from falling because I know not what else to do. I am literally at a loss for what to do...again.

One roommate is leaving in the next week or so. We MIGHT have someone to fill her room come July.

The other roommate, whose name is on the lease with mine, has decided she is leaving in August. Wonder if she plans on telling the landlord. Regardless, I'm telling him. Why? Isn't that a dick move? EVERYTHING this roommate does has turned into just a bunch of bullshit and dick moves. So she will deal. Especially if she tries to leave and refuses to help me refill the heating oil tank. Cos that would be complete bullshit. I'm hoping that her ditching out on me will give our landlord enough reason to let me out of the lease too, because I dont know if we can fill her room and still make rent and all that shit....

I make $700 every two weeks nannying. In that two weeks, i kill at least $200 in gas alone. Around $140 in cigarettes. That leaves me with $360. So I'm running on roughly $720 a month. Lets lose some of that for sake of variation. $700 a month. Minus $250 for rent. $450 a month. Minus about $100 (average for our monthly utilities). $350. Minus $85 phone bill. $265 left. Then I spend money on food, drinks, snacks, etc etc. Did I mention I have one payment left on my collections nonsense. $101+change. And now I know where most my money goes and why I'm constantly freaking out.

I won't even try to include the money I make from dancing. On average I leave with like $20-40, and that doesnt go far when I still am paying off my license loan and just had to buy new fucking dancer's shoes cos mine fucking broke. >:(

So yeah. And I spend more in gas now because I'm constantly avoiding my own home to stay away from the people in it. I can't handle them outside the club. I can't handle anything. I feel bad for my dog who I now barely see and I miss her. I think I will start bringing her to my nannying job, especially since the kids are almost out of school.

And I can't afford to pick Kitty up from Job Corps.

I haven't told her yet,

I don't want to face this truth yet myself.

Fuck this noise, fuck this place, fuck this bullshit, I can't take it anymore and I don't know what the FUCK I am supposed to do about ANYTHING ANYMORE.